I Was Rewarded For Abandoning Myself — And So Are You
I was very good at being good.
Obedient child.
Perfect student.
Straight A’s.
Quiet.
Nice.
The perfect daughter.
The perfect sister.
The perfect friend.
Later — the perfect brain surgeon.
I followed the rules.
And I was rewarded for it.
Praise when I complied.
Drama when I didn’t.
Loyalty to family — unquestioned.
Loyalty to principles — inherited.
Loyalty to what could be measured, seen, proven.
Follow the protocols.
Follow the data.
Follow the science.
Follow what can be held in your hands.
And beneath all of it:
Do not question the structure that shaped you.
This is how sheep are made.
Not through stupidity. Through reward systems.
Ivan Pavlov demonstrated this long ago.
Reward and conditioning shape behavior far more powerfully than most people realize.
There Wasn’t A Breaking Point
People often ask when I “woke up.”
There was no dramatic collapse.
No scandal.
No breakdown.
There was just this:
Every close relationship in my life carried angst.
Stress.
Conflict.
Drama.
Not one felt consistently peaceful.
And despite doing everything “right” — the degrees, the career, the matchmaking services that connected me with men who looked perfect on paper — there was no deep inner stability.
High qualifications.
High earning.
High status.
On paper.
But paper doesn’t penetrate the inner operating system.
Paper doesn’t bring peace.
So I turned inward.
Not because I was rebellious.
I was moved by the inner frustration from all the drama and conflict in my life at that time.
The Default Mode Network: The Invisible Operating System
Here is what most people never examine:
The majority of your life is run by your Default Mode Network.
The DMN is the brain network active when you are not consciously task-focused — when you are driving, washing dishes, exercising, lying in bed.
It governs:
your self-narrative
your habitual beliefs
your identity
your internal replay loops
your interpretation of social dynamics
your sense of who you are in relation to others
Most people believe they are consciously choosing their life.
In reality, you are running pre-installed software.
And that software was coded:
by parents,
by school systems,
by cultural reward structures,
by religion,
by praise,
by punishment.
I had built a high-functioning, extraordinary life by 37, all on an unexamined operating system.
Perfectionism.
Performance.
Loyalty without question.
Mind over body.
Achievement over alignment.
My default mode network replayed the same unconscious script:
Be good.
Be exceptional.
Be needed.
Do not disappoint.
That script ran while I was succeeding.
It also ran while I was suffering.
Reprogramming vs. Spiritual Bypassing
This is where most people misunderstand growth and spirituality.
They add practices.
Meditation.
Breathwork.
Therapy.
Coaching.
Mantras/Affirmations.
Retreats.
Yoga.
But they do not audit the operating system.
Reprogramming the default mode network requires something more ruthless and devotional:
Conscious inventory.
What beliefs are actually mine?
What loyalties were inherited without my conscious consent?
Where did I equate love with performance and worth?
Where did I confuse obedience with virtue?
Where did I mistake measurable data for complete truth?
I began dissecting my subconscious patterns the way I dissected the brain’s subarachnoid space in the operating room.
Microscopically.
Not emotionally dramatic.
Meticulous.
Precise.
Observing the loops running when I wasn’t thinking.
Observing the narratives replaying in relationships.
Observing how my body reacted when I said “yes.”
And here is the part I had to confront:
I had trained mind over body dominance.
Pride in high performance had trained me to override my physiology.
Override fatigue.
Override hesitation.
Override intuition.
Override self.
That is rewarded in surgical culture.
Also rewarded in this capitalistic modern society.
It is dangerous for a sovereign life.
The deeper question is not whether you are successful.
It is whether the operating system beneath your success was consciously chosen.
Inside True Whealthness® we explore this further, including but not limited to:
how inherited conditioning becomes subconscious identity
how spirituality becomes another performance identity
the difference between intuition and conditioned response
why so many people living in modern society lose connection with their own internal signal
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More Than Neurosurgeon remains the space for long-form public inquiry.
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Please note:
This essay is intended for educational, reflective, and provocative purposes only. This is NOT a substitute for individualized medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this publication does not establish a physician-patient relationship with Li-Mei Lin, M.D. Always consult your licensed healthcare provider regarding your individual medical concerns or conditions.